I’ve been stuck for a while in that place where when becomes uncertain. Where every hour, minute and second becomes nothing more than just a meaningless number. Can’t even remember what it feels like to lose track of time because I haven’t seen it in so long. Falling into the common ways of escaping, bluntness flows throw my veins, my sight is blurry, I can’t sense what’s before me.
Lucy has even reached out to me lately. In a dream or so I think, he made me sit in a long glass table and started incoherently babbling about the glory of his side as if I was supposed to be interested. Be that as it may, his true intentions were revealed and his bluff was called within a short time into his monologue because he had forgotten to put an ashtray in the table. Lucy’s tricks may be running in autopilot owing to the fact that he’s always known that smoke had become a recurrent habit or route I take in order to escape from myself, as a consequence, the negotiation couldn’t happen without the presence of an ashtray.
Meditating about my vision I began to wonder why would Lucy invest in speaking about glory in such a senseless way with me in the first place. He has always been known for being a clever kind of rat, after all.
Regardless of that why would he even bother? Is it that Jah no longer counts with me to be in his barracks? For all one knows, he may even think that I’m not reliable anymore. Perhaps Jah thinks I’ve strayed too far off my track and as a result, he no longer considers me an ally to his cause.
But if a fact yet remains after all that has happened is that I’m loyal. If I get lost escaping from myself that doesn’t mean I’ll change my true-heartedness and commitment in exchange for fatuous and unintelligible promises.
It even may be true that I’ve been absent for a while, but even in my current truanting, there hasn’t been a day I’ve not worn it on my chest.
In spite of that, something that scares me is the cripple that doesn’t allow me to see the difference between reality and one of Lucy’s plots.
The fact that it was so easy for him to lure me into his table leaves me with a bitter thought or impression about my current state of weakness, and this obnoxious sensation of uncertainty is steadily carving a painful hole in my psyche.
Is it that Jah is treating me like Job? and he gave me all that I had before just so he could take it away and leave me worse than I’ve ever been? Or conceivably he could’ve just taken away his support? Could I have left it at home?
Possibly it could be me the one who’s wrong and Lucy is just taking advantage of the situation to poach me towards his side of the equation because it was me who left him alone?
I am conscious that the path I’ve chosen to follow and the role I’ve been playing in this conflict is indeed, dangerous. For anyone that isn’t aware of what my purpose is, I’d say I’m somewhat of a combination between a lighthouse keeper and a janitor. My duties tend to fall into the line of work of showing the light and leading the way for sailors that can get easily lost in the dark embrace of the night, and I am also the one they send to clear the most recondite places where blood and faeces blood your sight. Consequently, I clean in such a way that there’s no evidence of what was done in there and afterwards I light a single candle in the corner as a signature.
Nonetheless, as I said before, that line of work I invest myself into is wild and treacherous, those that follow it can get effortlessly lost, or simply left without a light, and never come back.
I remember K-dot made it sound like his duties were the same as mine, but he’s doing all right on his side so I’ll find another way to preach and fill the endless void with light, and maybe one day I could be heard as much as he is.
After everything, among the mist there still lies a bit of hope within. The thought has also come to me that my concern is not unjustified and the case is not that I’ve been rendered alone, but that my sight has become so flooded with the matter I haven’t been able to clean that I’ve not been able-bodied to see Jah by my side, yet he is still there. So if my need falls in turning the lights on again, that’s what I’ll do. At least when I’m capable of killing that who rests in the cold caress of darkness, maybe then I’ll feel like we’re united as we once were.
Seek those who enlighten your will
zk
War FairyTales 